Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.”
Esther Perel
I think it’s safe to say that most of us are spending more time than ever with the people in our direct household. For some, this might be with the person you are caring for, while for others, it could mean shifting to caring from afar or spending more time alone. Regardless of your situation, the past month has likely brought some major lifestyle adjustments, which could mean a new way of caregiving.
Brene Brown, a research professor who has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy, has made her research both accessible and relatable. She reminds us that “imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.” In order to feel and develop a connection with others, we must first relate to and understand ourselves. This requires courage and curiosity, allowing us to meet ourselves and others with vulnerability.
The Importance of Regular Self-Check-Ins
The cornerstone of self-care is self-awareness. To build a relationship with yourself, you must first explore your emotions and needs (we all have them!).
Check in with yourself first thing in the morning:
- Are there any ruminating thoughts or worries?
- Are there things to look forward to?
- Do any feelings or sensations stand out in your body?
Continue to check in with yourself throughout the day.
Become familiar with and aware of your emotions by starting to label them as they arise. Can you witness and hold space for all emotions, even the more challenging ones?
Adjust your expectations according to how you are feeling. Low energy often affects your productivity, ability to care, and ability to be present.
If you can, share how you are feeling. A helpful technique is to give your feelings or energy a number on a scale of 10—e.g., “I feel energetic right now; I’m at an 8,” or “I feel emotionally exhausted; I’m at a 2.” This can provide context and understanding in your relationships, and also help you share the workload.
Give Yourself a Break
Self-compassion and kindness to yourself as you care for another are vital. Consider adjusting what is reasonable to do in a day or changing how you go about caregiving.
The pandemic may have shifted the amount of time you spend around others or on your screen, so give yourself permission to take a break—move your body, listen to music, look out the window, meditate or do yoga, read a book, etc.
Think about the must-dos in your day and assign them using E.N.D. (energizing, neutral, draining), then decide how to approach them based on your energy levels.
Establish Your New Routine
A key element of staying grounded in uncertain times is establishing a reliable routine.
Routines look different for each of us. You can decide what is important to you and the person you are caring for, and what is not as important during this time.
Let go (for now) of activities or things that add more stress to your life.
Clear is kind—communicate clearly with the person (or people) you care for or live with.
Integrate time for enjoyment and play with the people you share space with, and if you live alone at this time, connect virtually with your support circle.
Reach Out to Shared Networks
Connecting with other caregivers and shared networks is an important part of maintaining relationships.
Having shared contacts and networks gives you something to talk about. For some, it will be talking to someone who is or was a caregiver, while for others, it may be an old friend or your book club.
At a distance, networks can be maintained and strengthened via telephone, text, or video chats. Consider your support circles and those you can rely on for regular support.
Support is essential for caregivers and should not be left to chance—think of friends, family, neighbors, and acquaintances as a circle surrounding you.