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Episode 25: Juggling Roles: Finding Balance When Caring for a Parent

How do you navigate the transition from child to caregiver of a parent while supporting both their dignity and your own wellness?

Caring for an aging or ill parent comes with countless responsibilities, from prepping meals and scheduling medication to attending appointments and much more. While this shift to caregiver is, in some ways, a natural progression, it also requires you to navigate into a new relationship with your parent. As such, you need to learn how to balance respect and consent for their desires with your own health and happiness.

About the Speaker: Roma Palmer, Registered Clinical Counsellor

Roma Palmer is a registered clinical counsellor who not only helps parental caregivers but also fills this role herself, first with her mother years ago and now with her father. Today, she shares what she’s discovered through her work and firsthand experience juggling family, career, and caregiving. 

Learn from Roma’s thoughtful and proactive approach that keeps respect and love in focus throughout this shifting relationship:

  • Practices that prioritize the care recipient’s continued sense of identity at this tumultuous time
  • The importance of involving your parent and family members in the caregiving decision process
  • Tools for fending off isolation and scheduling breaks to take care of yourself
  • How to ensure the division of caregiving labour is distributed openly and fairly

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Quotes from Roma:

  • “We’re uncomfortable watching our care recipients age and I think some of the things, the choices that we make as caregivers are to decrease our discomfort rather than to address the care recipients’ needs.”
  • “Clear your mind when you can, to just be with them and listen. And not just with our ears, you know? Trying to put ourselves in their position like they’re losing their agency and that’s hard for them, hard to relinquish control. You know, lack of control is just all over this caregiving space, right? Like, the care recipient, there’s so much they can’t control. The caregivers, there’s so much they can’t control. And we don’t like to not have control.”
  • “We’re also grieving through this whole process. You know, this story doesn’t have a happy ending, and so that’s hard. It’s underneath everything all the time, and it makes everything else harder. And so, you know, if we can, I try to get those resets for ourselves by taking breaks, by  you know, what would we like to remember about this time? You know, how do we want to remember this person? What are the questions I’ve always wanted to ask them? Or what kind of memories would I like to have of this time?”

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Transcript with Audio

[MUSIC IN // INTRO]

VOICE-OVER: You’re listening to “Caregivers Out Loud”, powered by Family Caregivers of British Columbia and hosted by Bill Israel.

[MUSIC DEVELOPS]

BILL: Providing support and assistance to aging or ill parents can include many tasks, such as arranging meals, managing their medication, and accompanying them to appointments. Being a caregiver to a parent could be a natural obligation, but it also comes with navigating a new version of your relationship. To maintain dignity, respect, and consent with your parent, we need to adapt to their emotional needs and often changing health conditions. Which is easier said than done.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Roma Palmer, a Registered Clinical Counsellor, first navigated this challenging and rewarding experience in 2007, having cared for her mother who had a stroke. Today, she cares for her dad, bringing a more experienced approach to care while juggling her family and full time career – a different dynamic than caring for her mom back then, when she had young children.

When navigating care for a parent, it can often feel overwhelming. Especially with the evolving relationship evolves from child to parent, to now, an adult caregiver to parent. So I first wanted to explore some of the effective ways to discuss the transition of care responsibilities, with a parent who may be resistant to accepting your help.  

[MUSIC OUT]

ROMA: Regardless of the parents acceptance of where things are at or where things are at or where they feel things are at. It’s important to have the conversations important to put it on the table. You might not get very far with it in that first conversation, you know, there will be other conversations going forward. I find often in families that there’s one child that parents listen to better than the others. Perhaps conscripting that one to finesse that conversation, maybe with everybody there, but having that person start the process, they may get a little farther than, you know, the very efficient child who they’re not as prone to listen to. 

And I think being as respectful as possible, you know, admitting this is not an easy thing to discuss, but, you know, that we’re concerned and we want to care for you the best we can, but we feel like it getting beyond our capabilities and we need to start looking at other options. You know, and perhaps trying to get some information out of their parents for what they might be willing to accept or what their thoughts are on where they’re at and where things are headed because likely they’re feeling very differently from, from their children.

I don’t think my mom saw that she was cognitively impaired or she wasn’t going to admit it. And so, you know, there were things that were hard for her to do. And as I find with a lot of caregivers, I just wanted to jump in and get it done. But that wasn’t the most helpful for her. The situation that I’m thinking of, I, she was having a hard time cleaning the house, so there were some physical issues as well. And I hired a cleaner and then my dad got mad at her because she wasn’t cleaning the house. 

So you know, it’s with our best of intentions, we don’t necessarily know the politics of the relationships we’re entering into. As adult children, the concern for our parents’ safety is kind of in our mind and the fastest route to that is in our minds. But, you know, sometimes it has to take a crisis to take us to the next level, and that’s hard. As caregivers can see where it’s going and our parents may not see that that’s what’s happening and to wait. You know, we’re uncomfortable watching our care recipients age and I think some of the things, the choices that we make as caregivers are to decrease our discomfort rather than to address the care recipients’ needs.

BILL: I’d be interested in your advice about this even in my own caregiving situation about acknowledging to yourself you can’t stop the progression of whatever is happening with your care recipient and your role is primarily to be there. But it brings up all of that guilt and the fatigue and the isolation that happens in that. What’s your best advice about that? I mean, seeking out help with family caregivers is a good. And there’s a lot of support available, but one that’s not always available, what goes on in the mind of the caregiver now about, I really am alone in this.

ROMA: I think you nailed it with isolation. You know, I think that we do feel isolated and I think especially in our society here today because we aren’t as connected with each other. A lot of family members aren’t living in the same city. Whatever kinds of support that a caregiver can get for themselves, whether that’s taking breaks from caregiving, which, you know, can create different kinds of guilt. Spending time with friends like, having other things in their life aside from caregiving where possible. That’s not always easy either.

BILL: And that’s the mantra really a family caregivers is, self care. What sort of things did you do and or things you recommend for someone who feels so isolated and locked into this responsibility?

ROMA: You know, it’s funny looking back at that time because now it’s different. I’m caring for my father who’s 93. But, you know, our kids are grown now. So I’m in a very different situation. But when my mom had her stroke, I had three small kids. I just finished grad school. I was trying to get work going. Like I can see kind at different stages of life there feels like there are different opportunities for self care. Even, you know, taking five minutes here or there can be really restorative if you can shift your brain space in that time.

You know, the Internet is a valuable resource for things like five minute meditations these days or going for a walk around the block. Changing your location and moving your body. And I think making those regular practices in your day, whether it’s, you know, you make sure you have your tea or your coffee in the morning and just have five minutes to yourself. You take time at lunch and take another five minutes and do meditation. And in the afternoon make sure you take a five minute walk like it’s, but that regular practice, I think can build over time.

Sometimes that’s the ticket, you know, that they do need some dedicated time away. And to find respite, whether that’s official respite care or whether it’s friends or family. Some of this takes thinking outside the box and it’s so hard, I think, when caregiving can be so demanding. But what other sources of stimulation could your care recipient appreciate? You know, maybe it’s a family friend or a family member. Grandchildren may be a great source of stimulation. I often think it would be easy you’re caring for someone else’s parents than caring for your own. 

There are years and years of memories and conflicts and whatever that, and expectations, that further complicate a complicated situation. If you could just parachute in, it would be lovely. So, you know, a grandchild doesn’t have the same baggage, so somebody else to come and visit or spend time. And often people that are more removed don’t mind doing that because they don’t have the day to day demand on them. I think we talk ourselves out of doing that. You know, they’re busy, but I think people are quite happy to do it.

I was actually talking with a friend of mine whose mother just passed away and he was sort of the primary caregiver for her. But his brother could call her and talk for hours with her, you know, and loved it. He knows my dad too. And I said, maybe he’ll talk to my dad. He said, I’ll give you his number. He’d love to talk to him. That makes me feel like I know dad would love to talk to him. And it makes me feel like I’m doing something that would be good for him. And more interesting than him saying the same stories to me all the time, you know?

BILL: Exactly, yeah. Isolation becomes really a scary thing. Other family members, who maybe they will ask, is there anything I can do to help? Knowing it’s probably nothing. And then we make the mistake, as the caregiver say, no, I’m fine. I can handle this. Any thoughts that you might have about reaching out, just for the purpose of saying, uh, could we have coffee? I’d like for you maybe even to come into the home and see mom, and then have tea with me. I’m not asking you to take over my role, but I need somebody to tell. I need to have somebody at a personal level.

ROMA: It’s a wonderful resource. We don’t access enough, and I think people would be willing if we did. And the worst they can say is no. For me, I would want to get organized about it, make a list of the people I could ask and what is it that I would like to ask of them, to be specific, because I think people don’t know what to offer, even if the offer is genuine. So, you know, there might be one thing that they could do, and they might not be able to do another thing. You know, if you needed someone to grab groceries or pick up a prescription, they might be happy to do that, but they might not be as happy to sit and have tea. So if you have options for people and then different people that you might contact so that you don’t feel like you’re hitting up the same person over and over.

[MUSIC IN]

BILL: Having other family members or friends around is a great resource to support you as additional helping hands. As Roma explained, this can give you the  mental space to navigate your new role. However, this also means you may need to navigate additional relationships within the family.

I asked Roma how she sees relationships evolving with siblings or other family members, when one child assumes the primary caregiving role.

[MUSIC OUT]

ROMA: I find it can go a number of ways. Ideally, siblings have had a chance to talk before anything happens with their aging parent or family member and they’ve discussed who’s gonna take what role going forward so that everybody’s kind of on the same page. You know, there may be a family group chat, that kind of thing, but often the case is not that. In my situation, it’s trial by fire, you know. It was a change in direction and we had to figure out what this whole caregiving world was like.

BILL: For sure, and I’m aware of a lot of families where there are other siblings and the parent, it’s the parent that needs the care that sometimes the one who ends up giving the care ends up because the others kind of back away, they don’t want to be involved or are fearful. Any specific observations about when that happens? And you know, you’re dealing with somebody who’s kind of feels obligated about this because of the last one standing, as it were.

ROMA: Yeah, we can of get thrust into this role sometimes and because whoever picks it up just kind of keeps going and other people are happy to let them. And I think family members can make assumptions about who should take on that role, you know, whether it’s the daughter or the person who’s closest to the healthcare field that they assume that, that person is gonna be their primary person. And so there are assumptions that get made that kind of lock someone into a role. And part of the role in caregiving is trying to take a step back and figure out whether there’s any wiggle room, whether you have to be that sole person, whether you can conscript the help of siblings, other family members. 

And, you know, in my case my parents asked me to do everything, you know, I’d been home with kids and in school. So they just assumed because my brother was working or I’m guessing they assumed cause my brother was working and he was the boy, that it was my role. But what I figured out over time is that my brother didn’t know what they were asking of me, because they weren’t asking of him. So I could ask him to help with things and I would delegate.

[MUSIC IN]

BILL : Delegating to other siblings can be helpful, if they are willing participants in the caregiving process. But even with sibling support, there’s a lot to do and a lot to think about. “Thinking outside the box” as Roma says, can be the key to opening up new possibilities for support. Because it’s so hard when caregiving can be so demanding.

So I asked Roma about some of these ideas, specific practices or approaches that she would recommend to ensure that the care recipient, the parent in this case, feels valued in the on-goingness of the process.

[MUSIC OUT]

ROMA: One key aspect which can be very challenging is to be patient and try and be present. Especially dealing with aging parents, you know, life slows down and often the caregivers are in the busiest phase of their life and so they’re again about getting it done and their parent is not in that stage. So trying to clear your mind when you can, to just be with them and listen. And not just with our ears, you know? Trying to put ourselves in their position like they’re losing their agency and that’s hard for them, hard to relinquish control. You know, lack of control is just all over this caregiving space, right? Like, the care recipient, there’s so much they can’t control. The caregivers, there’s so much they can’t control. And we don’t like to not have control.

You know, in addition, around helping parents feel valued and respected trying, where possible, to have a relationship in addition to the caregiving role. And, you know, obviously that depends on where the care recipient is at in their journey. But, you know, just the caregiving role can become pretty bureaucratic and organizational and so to try to have other experiences with them, it gets your head in a different space and it reminds you of the relationship. 

One thing that I love doing with my dad, we’ll have lunch and whatnot. But one of my favourite things is I’ll take him for a drive. He stopped driving a few years ago and he just likes being driven around and he’s seeing what’s happened in the city in the last few years. You know, and it’s not that novel to me, but. But then I also hear, oh, I remember when I went there in 1965 and I did this thing. So I get all this information as well that I wouldn’t if we just sat in his suite talking.

BILL: Right. So you both get in a different world for a little while.

ROMA: Yeah. And it’s really enriching.

BILL: So, how can caregivers help their parents manage feelings of loss, independence, identity, and mobility without lessening their sense of dignity? And you’ve already made some wonderful suggestions.

ROMA: Where possible, if you can involve parents in decision making. And it might not be around in every aspect, but there may be certain places where, you know, they can contribute or offering choices rather than making the choice for someone. Like trying to anticipate care recipients needs, so that they can handle situations more gracefully. So I guess that involves putting ourselves in their shoes to some extent, as much as possible. And trying to identify activities that help their care recipient feel more in control. 

You know, if it’s cleaning the house, say, in my mom’s, you know, the experience with my mom, she might have felt she wanted to continue cleaning the house, even though I didn’t think she was doing it as well as she would like. But for her, that was, you know, maybe an important thing for her to continue doing, even if it wasn’t to the proficiency that it might have been in the past.

[THEME MUSIC STARTS]

BILL: So, I often think about, as I’m watching mortality visited on my care recipient, I’m aware that “hey, one of these days, this is me.” You know that. And it’s a heavy emotional, spiritual load. It’s a liminal space we go to.

If you’re caring for an aging or ill parent, call the Family Caregivers of British Columbia Caregiver Support Line. Here, you’ll access free guidance and resources like expert-led events and community support groups. Call toll-free at 1-877-520-3267.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

The relationship with a parent changes when an adult child starts caring for their parent. Roma’s experiences show how navigating this evolution can be challenging, but also rewarding, and can be done with respect, dignity, and care.

As we close Roma’s story, she leaves us with some questions that may help you come to terms with this shifting relationship.

ROMA: There’s an underlying current that maybe people are completely aware of it, but I feel like it isn’t always talked about. I mean, we touched on it with, you know, the lack of control, but we’re also grieving through this whole process. You know, this story doesn’t have a happy ending, and so that’s hard. It’s underneath everything all the time, and it makes everything else harder. 

And so, you know, if we can, I try to get those resets for ourselves by taking breaks, by you know, what would we like to remember about this time? You know, how do we want to remember this person? What are the questions I’ve always wanted to ask them? Or what kind of memories would I like to have of this time?

[MUSIC DEVELOPS // OUTRO]

VOICE-OVER: Thank you for listening to “Caregivers Out Loud”, powered by Family Caregivers of British Columbia and hosted by Bill Israel. Produced and sound edited by Organized Sound Productions. We acknowledge the financial support of the Province of British Columbia and the BC Ministry of Health – Patients as Partners Initiative.

If you like what you’re hearing, discover more episodes, and find more caregiving resources at familycaregiversbc.ca. And if you find these episodes helpful, please share them with your family and friends who may find it enlightening to hear these stories.

Finally, don’t forget to subscribe to our show on your favourite podcast listening app, so you can take us with you wherever you go. Thank you for listening and taking the time to learn and care for yourself with other caregivers, out loud.

[MUSIC ENDS]